Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:03] You're listening to the Poised Powerhouse Podcast. My name is Dr. Sita Hood, and I'm obsessed with empowering women like you with practical life strategies to live authentically without compromising your wellness. I used to be caught up in the hustle hard mentality until I learned that my quirky little traits I thought weren't that important actually turned out to be the secret side boss. I needed to step boldly into my purpose and create impact not only in my life, but so many amazing women around me. Organizing your schedule, launching impactful programs, redefining leadership without code switching or compromise, and stepping boldly into your God given assignment are all topics we'll discuss here. Think of this podcast as that Sunday brunch with your girls that feels so therapeutic you can't wait to get to it. But let's clarify, this is not a substitute for a relationship with a licensed therapist. All right, grab your notebook and your coffee or your tea. We don't discriminate over here. And let's start the show.
[00:01:22] Hey. Hey. Welcome back to another episode of the Poise Powerhouse Podcast. It is your host, Dr. Ceta Hood, vision architect, licensed therapist and executive leadership consultant. Now, girl, before you try to come in my head sideways, I know you probably like, girl, where you been? I know, I know, I know. I fell off the map after I already told you that we were switching to a bi weekly format, low key. I'm a little bit ashamed of my consistency and I'm fighting my own self because I tell you all the time that there's no shame in this space. So I'm fighting against the shame that I feel about not really showing up properly for you. But I had to do what I teach you to do, which is honor my own capacity. And I didn't fall off the map in September for bad reasons. Contrary, honey. I fell off because honey, honey, honey. We went to the Black Girls in Social work conference and it was absolutely amazing. I might insert some pictures here, but if I don't, you can head on over my Instagram Hustle rehab and it's linked down below in the show notes and check out a couple of pictures. But I met some of you. It was absolutely amazing. One of you, or I think three of you actually, from London.
[00:02:46] How do we make it all the way to London? That was so dope. Okay, so some of you came up to me and were like, oh my gosh, I listen to your podcast all the time. It was so good to meet you in person.
[00:03:00] Like that really lit up my day to see you guys coming on over to the booth and girl, girl, girl, girl. That Sacred Moments oil. If you know, you know y' all sold that thing out, honey. Okay, Anyway, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, head over to my Instagram and check out the post on the Black Girls and Social Work conference. I had an absolutely phenomenal time taking black girls through a mini hustle rehab. I talked about the Lux life lifestyle. And so all of September was pretty much spent with my kiddos, birthdays, my wedding anniversary, prepping for the Black Girls in Social Work conference. And then when I came back, honey, I had a little bit of conference, leftover stuff. And so I was getting the rest of those things shipped out to you. And the girlies wanted a room spray. The girlies wanted a room spray. And I'm only sharing this because I really feel like this is a whole word for you. Listen, last minute, before I was about to get on a flight to go to the Black Girls in Social Work conference, I was like, you know what? I want them to get this candle and I want them to get the Sacred Moments ritual oil. But I want them to know what it smells like because I want it to really immerse them in a moment from the get go. So let me make a room spray really quick. And I just made a random room spray I'm talking about. It didn't have no label, no type of nothing. Okay? And I made that room spray. I sprayed the room that I was in just, just before I spoke and I sprayed around my booth. Honey, when I tell you the girls wanted the room spray. The girls wanted the room spray. Okay? So I came home and I made a room spray. I made a room spray for the girls to be able to grab. I might still have some available on my site. You can again click the link in the show notes and check and see if there's any left. But I was missing. And it was for good reason, girl.
[00:05:01] But here is. I just noticed it sitting on my desk. The Velvet Oasis candle that the girlies were going crazy over.
[00:05:09] This is the candle. And it.
[00:05:11] The smell just hit me when I opened it up. It's a whole moment. It's a mood, it's a vibe. And it really just symbolizes everything that I want you to feel when you practice these rituals, right? And it's so important for you to create that space for. For yourself because nobody else is going to do it for you. Okay? So I'm here today as your soft lux bestie, just reminding you that ambition does not have to equal exhaustion. And today we going there. We go in there. I know you saw the title of this video. We're going there. Okay. We are talking about hustling for emotional validation.
[00:05:55] Yes, yes, yes. All right, so today for sips and stillness, I just want you to really just take a couple of seconds and pause with me.
[00:06:07] Stop moving around.
[00:06:09] If you're listening to this podcast while you're doing something else, just pause for literally 30 seconds. I promise you can get back to something else in a second. Just still your body and stay in this moment, because what we're about to discuss is not really going to be that easy.
[00:06:28] I'm going to need you to digest it, though, because you're going to need to work through this for the next version of you to be activated.
[00:06:38] So what's in my mug today? I don't actually have it yet. Is downstairs in the refrigerator being chilled, but it's the Nespresso vivita with the B12 shot iced coffee.
[00:06:51] I don't have it because I'm going to take a moment of stillness and go sit on the porch with mine. After this episode. I was going to come on here because I'm like, it's been a while since we've shared a cup of coffee together, but I was like, yo, I only got a couple more weeks of sitting on that porch, though. So I decided that I wanted to sit on the porch more. So I'm going to sit on the porch and low key. I'll still bring y' all with me. If you follow me on Instagram, you'll see my cup on my Instagram stories. So today, because y' all already know, Holy spirit hit me first before he hit you. Always.
[00:07:30] I'm feeling tender, but I'm also feeling empowered. And I want to talk about that moment in one of my friendships when I was bending over backwards emotionally doing all the thoughtful things, hoping to finally feel seen. And that's really tucked in the back of your mind, right? I know we've all been there. And realizing that I was performing for validation that I never should have had to earn. I know you feel me. I know you've been there.
[00:08:01] So by the end of today's episode, you're going to understand how emotional hustle shows up and why is so sneaky and how to start validating yourself and cultivating joy without waiting for somebody else's permission. Are you ready, Boo? Because it's time to get into it. Let's get real for a second, Boo. You ever had one of those moments where you like, you know, you in it. You doing something that's like a regular schmegular degular task, right? Let's say dishes, emails, maybe you scrolling Instagram or TikTok and I don't know where you like, hold up. I've been doing the absolute most for people who not matching my energy.
[00:08:42] Yeah, that for me, it usually hits mid task. Like I'd be wiping down a countertop, replaying a conversation from earlier and then suddenly I'm like, hold on. Why am I the one that's always rearranging my whole life just to make sure they feel love, supported, remembered, celebrated. Meanwhile, when it's my turn, we hear crickets.
[00:09:07] And honestly, it's not even a dramatic stuff. Sometimes it's the little things that start to stack up over time. Like you remember in their birthday, you checking in with them after their week was rough. You're the one that's sending encouraging text messages, Rand. Random I love you friend notes, like voice notes or whatever. And they not even checking to ask how you doing until you halfway through a breakdown. And that's only maybe after you kind of sort of posted or somebody told them about it.
[00:09:37] Come on now. I know you feel me. That my love is what I call hustling for emotional validation. It's when your nervous system says, I want to feel loved, seen and valued. But instead of voicing that need or pausing to receive it from healthy places, we slide into performing for it. I've talked about performative self acceptance so much and this is where we actually start to perform for others to accept us. You hustle for it, you bend, you twist you over function, hoping that if you show up big enough, loud enough, consistently enough, maybe then you will feel same. It hurts. I know this is not an easy conversation, but I want to make it even more plain because some of y' all are already nodding like, oh, that's me, that's me. Dr. Cena, get out my business. But I got to make it even more plain because some of the folks in the back not quite hearing us yet, so. So we got to reach all the way to the back. Okay, so here's a couple more ways that emotional hustling shows up in friendships. When you're over explaining your heart, your boundaries, your worth, hoping that they will actually get it this time. And it hurts to do this. I've actually found myself here more often than I care to admit, and it hurts when you're on the phone trying to over explain something to a person who is just committed to misunderstanding you silencing your needs because you don't want to be too much or perceived as needy to the person. Plan emotional concierge. You're checking in, you're planning everything. You're being the constant emotional support system.
[00:11:24] Confusing being needed with being valued. And that one, that one, my love is very, very sneaky because you mistake their reliance on you for real reciprocity.
[00:11:39] That's not the same thing. I need you to hear me. It's not the same thing, okay? This is the kind of stuff that looks like it's kind on the outside, but it slowly chips away at your joy on the inside. Because it's not real friendship, okay? I have been that friend and it hurts. And that's why I am holding your hand when I say this to you. I've been the one that remembers the birthdays, sending the random. You got this text messages, showing up with the food, praying for folks supporting their big launches. And when my season came, it's like the one person that suddenly got selective amnesia around what I had going on. So I had found myself bending my schedules, rearranging my priorities, putting my own needs on the back burner to keep the friendship feeling safe. Safe and connected. And if I'm honest, if I am honest, and this is the real truth, right? Because we could keep it a Honda over here, right?
[00:12:42] Part of me. And this is the sucky part to say out loud. And this is the vulnerable part. But I know I can share this with you because we just talking. It's just me and you in this space, right? Part of me hoped that if I just kept showing up one day they would finally mirror the same energy back. But instead, what usually happened to me was me exhausted. Me quietly resentful, me replaying the same interactions in my head, trying to figure out why I always seem like I was the one who cared more. Here's the truth bomb, okay? And this is gonna sting a little bit. I know what I've already been talking about might have been painful, but this one's gonna sting a little bit, okay, babe, I need you to clutch your pearls and remember that I'm holding your hand and we're sitting in this space together and there's no shame here, okay?
[00:13:37] Love that has to be earned by over functioning is not love. It's performance, okay? It is a performance.
[00:13:46] I talk about performative self acceptance all the time. Performing for other people, shape shifting for other people. Performative love is not love. And performing in friendships is exhausting.
[00:14:01] You deserve more than an audience. You deserve reciprocity period.
[00:14:07] And you need friends who will give it to you real, who will sit down with you real and raw, and say, yeah, babe, I noticed that you've been doing that for a while. And here's the hard part that we have to acknowledge. You play a role in this as well. I had a friend sit down and tell me this, and it was not an easy conversation, and it was one that I will. I'm so proud of my own self for this that I sat down and initiated with her. I had been. It been niggling, and I had been talking like, what's wrong with me? Because I felt that something was off here, and I knew that I had a role to play in it. But maybe part of me wasn't quite ready to open that door just yet, but I knew that there was something that I had to take ownership for. And she said, yeah, bae, yeah, I've been noticing that in you for a little bit, but I didn't want to say anything until you were ready. And it was painful to open up. And so the question that I want to pose to you is, how is your mother wound or your father wound impacting the way you see this situation, the way that you interpret their responses to you? Are you hypersensitive to typical relationship dynamics?
[00:15:18] These are not pretty questions to answer, but they're valid. And it's important for you to answer them. Because when I say that I want you to be free from all forms of hustling, I mean, all forms, even emotional hustling, Hustling for emotional validation. I mean, and when we hustle for emotional validation and friendships, we are not being too caring or too loyal. We're actually trying to feel safe and seen. And there's nothing wrong with that. But the problem is we've outsourced validation to people who don't even have the capacity to give it the way that we need it.
[00:15:57] And until we see that pattern, it keeps running like background noise in our life, draining our energy and convincing us that we are the problem.
[00:16:08] And here's the spoiler alert. You're not actually the problem here. You are just stuck in a pattern. And the good news about that is that patterns can be unlearned. Okay, Boo. So we've named the pattern. Let's take this a step deeper. Because awareness without language can only take us so far. Far. See, when we feel unseen, unsafe, or emotionally undernourished in our relationships, our nervous system, it's not going to just politely sit down, wait his turn, wait for some time to be Carved out for us to journal about it.
[00:16:44] Our nervous system hears.
[00:16:51] Some of y' all already started on the verse already. Your nervous system is going to react, okay? It activates what I call your hustle reflex, that default automatic pattern that you slip into to regain safety or worthiness when something in your environment starts to feel off.
[00:17:11] And for some of us, it looks like trying to fix everything. And everybody, when nobody asks you to do that, little Jesus. Oh, I ain't say that. Who said that? Who said that? Who said that? Y' all said that. Okay?
[00:17:25] For other people, is trying to prove yourself over and over and over and over and over. For others is shrinking and disappearing, because if I don't take up space, then maybe I won't get hurt. And for others, it's going numb, checking out emotionally, but still performing because it's something that I've always done, and all of it is heavy. Does this sound familiar? Any of it? Because these reflexes are not random, okay? They are learned survival strategies. And here's the wild thing. Because you probably been doing yours for so long that you don't even notice when it kicks in anymore, it's on autopilot at this point.
[00:18:09] And that's exactly why I created the hustle trigger quiz, which is completely free, because sometimes you need a little mirror held up in front of you to say, oh, that's my pattern. And so the hustle trigger quiz helps you to identify your hustle archetype, your unique hustle reflex style, understand why the archetype shows up when you start to feel unseen, and more importantly, get tailored strategies to start interrupting your pattern and choosing something different moving forward. It's quick. I'm talking about three minutes, tops. But it's going to give you language and clarity for something that's probably been silently running in the background for years.
[00:18:54] So before you keep going through this week on autopilot, I want you to do me a favor, okay? I want you to pause for a minute and take the quiz. It's free, it's quick, and honestly, it's going to explain a lot about how you move through your relationships. You can take it at Detox dot, hustlerehab co forward slash, Hustle triggers. Again. Detox hustlerehab co forward slash, Hustle triggers. Or just tap the link in the show notes, okay? Give yourself the gift of awareness, because here's the thing. Once you name the hustle reflex, you can actually start to reclaim your rhythm. And once you reclaim your rhythm, that's where we start to build a life that is not run by hustle, but by wholeness, girl. Okay, so now we talked about the hard parts, and now it's time to talk about how to actively start validating yourself and cultivating joy in your daily life. Because, baby girl, come on, you know me better than that. And you know awareness is just the first step. And I am not going to just leave you in a broken place. Okay, it's time for some practical joy work. Now that we've exposed the hustle pattern and given it a name with the quiz, let's talk about how we're going to move forward. Because again, I'm not just going to leave you with. Just be more aware. Come on, girl, you know me better than that. No, ma'. Am. We are going to be out here cultivating joy. Okay, period. Poo.
[00:20:25] Here's the truth. Hustle reflex thrives in depletion. What do I mean?
[00:20:31] When you're tired, emotionally drained, spiritually low, or stretched thin, your brain and your body are likely to fall back on your old survival patterns. AKA your hustle reflex. When your cup is full, you can pause, you can reflect, set boundaries, choose softness and respond intentionally. But when you deplete it, child, come on. How easy is it to reach for Wingstop voodoo fries? How easy is it? That's the go to. Because, period, it's a comfort food.
[00:21:07] You default to the quickest, most familiar way to feel safe and worthy. And for a lot of ambitious women, the familiar way is overworking over caretaking, over performing, or disappearing emotionally while doing all the things. Things. I want you to think of depletion like the perfect environment for hustle reflex to grow unchecked. Like weeds in your garden. Okay. Or mold in a damp basement. If you are exhausted and you're running on empty, your hustle patterns don't just show up. They gonna set up camp like a whole Airbnb. Okay, so when I say hustle reflex thrives in depletion, what I really mean is when you do not pour back into yourself, the parts of you that are used to hustling for survival will take over automatically. That's why joy reclamation, rest and nervous system care are not luxuries for ambitious women. They are a spiritual strategy. Because fullness is the thing that starves hustle culture, period.
[00:22:11] Joy. Joy is hustle culture's kryptonite. It interrupts the cycle. It says, nope, not today, because I am rooted in something deeper. I have to get connected to my purpose. And no, I'm not talking about waiting around for the perfect little girls trip. The line that comes to mind here is big lotto brokey, right?
[00:22:33] She said bees gotta wait today birthday to go out. Come on now. No, we not waiting until our birthday to cultivate joyful moments, okay? I'm not talking about a random Instagram worthy moment to sprinkle some joy into your life. I'm talking about practical, repeatable dopamine boosting joy practices that you can build right into your everyday rhythm. So let's get into it. The first one is joy micro bursts. Sometimes joy does not need to be big, it just needs to be intentional. And you've heard me say this before. I want you to think of these things like little dopamine sprinkles throughout your day. So examples. One song, dance party while you make your coffee. And I'm not talking about no polite sway. Do not give me no polite sway. I'm talking about a full R B moment, okay? I'm talking about like you are the superstar in the music video, okay? I'm talking about what's it gonna be?
[00:23:33] Cause I can't pretend. I'm talking about. Can we talk for a minute, girl?
[00:23:43] I'm talking about all of it, okay? I'm talking about fully immersing yourself in that and see how it changes your day. I'm talking about lighting your favorite candle and actually pausing for 90 seconds to breathe it in. Stepping outside to face the sun.
[00:24:01] Deep breath in. Just letting your nervous system remember that you're alive and you're safe. I'm talking about one line. Journaling. Not a whole dissertation, just one simple sentence celebrating you. These are micro bursts that are fast, free and shockingly effective. Okay? Number two, Emotional mirror practice. Okay, stay with me on this one, all right? Hang in there. Trust me. Because this one might feel awkward at first, but it's so powerful. Okay? I want you to remember Issa Raya insecure. This is what she was doing. Okay? One day, once a day, rather, I want you to stand in front of the mirror and I want you to look yourself in the eye, put your hand over your heart, and speak a truth that you needed to hear. But you didn't get some examples. You did enough today.
[00:24:54] You matter even when no one else notices.
[00:24:57] You don't have to shrink for anyone.
[00:25:01] And I need you to hear me on this. This is not corny. Okay? Now I just use very therapisty language. I said random things, but I need you to actually say the thing that you need to hear. Only you know what you need to hear. We have to get into the habit of reprogramming your nervous system. You are learning to validate yourself in real time instead of waiting for somebody else to catch up to what you need. Okay, number three. And I'm not even playing with you on number three. Okay? I'm literally not playing with you. I need to start seeing you do this. Y' all need to tag me when you start to do this. Tag me on Instagram at hustle rehab because I need to see it going down. Okay, number three is joy appointments. Listen, you don't cancel your client sessions, you don't cancel work calls, you don't cancel your mama's birthday dinner. So stop canceling your own joy appointments, okay? I need you to pick one joy ritual each week that is just for you. Non negotiable period poo. Okay? This is about training your life to reflect your worth. Training your brain to reflect your worth. Training yourself to remember that you are safe in softness. So an example. A solo brunch day with your journal and a fancy latte. Go check out the new coffee spot by yourself. A midweek movie night in your coziest pajamas, guilt free. I can tell you that is all the rage, honey. A new hobby that's just for delight and not for productivity. A soft day once a month where you schedule absolutely nothing and you just let the day flow. Put it on your calendar. Protect the day. Do not negotiate with your joy, period. I'm literally not playing with you on that one.
[00:26:52] I'm about to squat up with you if you stop playing with me. It has to happen.
[00:26:57] Number four. I need you to develop a dopamine stack for hard days. Because let's be real, some days are heavier than others. I had a day like this last week. When that unseen feeling hits, your brain is not going to want to scramble for thinking through options to make you feel better. So this is why I want you to have a pre made list of your top five dopamine boosters. I want you to think of this like your emotional snack tray. Okay? So some examples might be blasting your main character playlist. Okay, so that means we got to have a main character playlist. The one that make you feel like, yes, I'm that girl. Period. We need that playlist. Walk outside, notice three beautiful things. Text your hype friend who always gets it. Maybe you only got to text her one word and she already know what the deal is. She's going to come back with a whole you got it. Like a full tank of gas. She hitting you back. Watch a five minute TikTok compilation that makes you ugly laugh. And I need you not to underestimate that because TikTok compilations be listen, Listen. It will definitely improve your mood. Spray your sea lime mist and breathe in like you mean it for real. Like just pausing on the tough days. I need you not to overthink it. Just grab from the stack. It's already ready for you. And because you've pre made this list, these are going to be the things that already improve your mood. You've already experimented with them and you know what works for you. And this works because these practices are simple but not small. You are retraining your brain to source joy internally instead of chasing it externally. You are also becoming emotionally fluent in your own language instead of emotionally dependent on other people. And slowly but surely, you are proving to yourself that you do not have to hustle for joy. You get to cultivate it any time you want.
[00:29:08] You know those little things that just nourish your heart, mind and soul. Those little gems dropped in your week that make all the difference in your day but are seemingly unimportant. Like the person who went out of their way to do something nice for you, or that amazing sermon on YouTube that just hit exactly like you need it to. Well, I'm sharing my weekly nourishment with you, and if there's something that nourished you this week, I'd love to hear about it by tagging me on Instagram at doctorcitahood or dropping a comment underneath this episode. Here we go.
[00:29:52] Before we close out, I want you to sit with this question for a moment. It where in your life have you been hustling to be seen instead of resting in the truth that you already are?
[00:30:06] Breathe that in.
[00:30:10] Let's pray really quick.
[00:30:16] God help us to stop performing for what you've already freely given.
[00:30:23] Teach us to rest in your love even when others don't see us clearly.
[00:30:31] Heal the parts of us that believe our worth is something we have to earn.
[00:30:40] In Jesus name, Amen.
[00:30:43] All right. Boo. I hope that you enjoyed today's episode. And I hope that you know, more importantly, that you do not have to hustle for emotional validation or wait for somebody's applause. You are not this fragile, broken thing. You get to cultivate joy and stay rooted in that joy every single day. Take the Hustle Trigger quiz today. Tap the link in the show notes or head to Detox hustlerehab co Hustletriggers. It only takes three minutes if you enjoyed today's episode. Share the love. Share with your mama. Share with your auntie share with your best friend. Then head on over to Apple Podcasts and leave us a five star review. Reviews help the podcast to grow. Well, that's all I have for you today. I'll see you out in these social media streets. Bye.
